Recovery Blog 2: Electric Boogaloo
Section 1: The Road Ahead 7/11/18 6:54 AM: Okay, this time. This time it'll work. No, I'm not gonna kill myself. Last night was horrible. This time I'm gonna make an actual recovery log so I can stop being a worthless piece of human trash. I don't hope to ever be let back to the venkons, but fuck it I'm tired of this insanity. And maybe if I recover in a few years I'll even be forgiven. Probably not. This page is gonna be long. Like, really long. Seriously I'll write when I can. Probably better than pulling another altcest or threatening Nicole. You know, I've fucked up more than any other user I think. Like, ever. Christ. I'll try to limit it to one entry per day. If this does go on for more than a year I'll probably make another page starting 2019. Well, I've managed to repel every other person so I should probably start making friends. I think I'll join a community or something to see if I can get my mind off things. I haven't yet built up the courage to undo the noose so it's still in my desk drawer alongside the note. I'm not gonna detail what happened because it isn't important, but my neck is feeling much better now. I haven't been able to sleep much recently because I've been obsessed with coming back. I don't know the amount of times I've sent Nicole messages begging to come back. And altcest. Christ, she must really hate me after all I've done. Well, one day I hope to reconcile myself with her. But that's in the future, she sure as hell won't speak to me now. Or tomorrow. Or next month. Probably not next year either tbh. Oh, which reminds me, Ambrose may or may not be after me. Which is worrying. WC has my ip address so I fear venkon retribution now too. Whatever may come, I'm ready. I deserve any revenge for what I did. 7/11/18 8:37 AM: Yeah, I know I promised I wouldn't write more than one log a day. But I find that somewhat unfair. I'm just writing to update some things. I've gotten rid of the noose and the note. I've also started writing a new story. It's nothing much, just a side project that grew out of an idea I had a while back. Wish me luck! Exile 3.5 7/20/18 4:40 PM: What the actual fuck happened last night? I was gonna get unbanned yesterday, but it seems I kinda pissed everyone off. By offering Nicole help. I was insisting too much, I guess. I know she was getting tired of it. I couldn't just leave her to suffer though. Lesson learned, I'll leave her alone from now on. If I'm given another shot. I doubt it. I'm back in exile for the time being and I have no clue whether this one has an end or not. I call it 3.5 because to be fair my last exile never ended. I've felt my insanity slip back and I don't know what to do. I've been keeping myself from altcest because I know there's still a chance she'll reconsider. I didn't hurt her this time, after all. I offered help, and I ended up just causing more stress. But I didn't hurt her. I don't know what to do anymore. My hopes were all built up, I thought I was gonna be free yesterday. Obviously that didn't happen. Here we are, back in exile. Back with the guilt. Back with the crying and this time with added stomach pains. Oh yes, I've been diagnosed with gastritis. Well, rediagnosed is the more accurate term, I have chronic gastritis. It just came back. And stress is making it so much worse. I literally have not been able to eat. I don't know what to do anymore. I've just been sitting here, staring at the roof and crying. Listening to some music too. I know what's in store for me now. This insanity will only get worse from here. This time I can't say I wasn't given a last chance, I guess. I just don't know how offering help is worthy of it being broken. I waited the seven days as I had to. I just.. couldn't leave someone to suffer. But fuck it, I guess that's all behind me now. Whatever happens next, at least I meant well. I didn't actively hurt anyone. I did what I thought was right, and fuck anyone that would tell me that I did something malicious. I get that trust takes time to rebuild. I should've waited. I shouldn't have rushed it. I know I would've been better off just doing nothing, but that doesn't mean what I did was a bad thing. I just didn't know it was gonna kill her. I wanted to help her stress, not increase it.